After Vice President Kamala Harris announced she was running for president, one criticism lobbed against her was that she is not a parent because she has never given birth to children. But she is the stepmother to her husband Doug Emhoff's two children.
I am no longer in a relationship with his father and have been in a new relationship for four years. My wife came into my son's life when he was 6 years old and quickly stepped into a parental role. It was a role she enthusiastically took on.
Although she didn't give birth to my son, my wife is absolutely his second mother.
My son and wife's relationship started friendly
My wife didn't immediately take an authoritative role or force him to treat her like a parent. At first, she was more like a grown-up friend — someone he knew he needed to respect, but someone who would take him on drives to get ice cream or let him pretend to drive her car while I was inside the grocery store.
I was worried about parenting with another person all the time. As the primary parent, I wasn't used to dividing parenting duties. My wife was aware of that and always deferred to me as the primary parent.
But the bond between my son and my wife was instant. He had never met someone I was dating before, but he liked her immediately.
My wife has taken on more responsibility as a stepmom
Over the last four years, she's taken on more parental responsibility but never tried to act like she was more of a parent than myself or my son's father. She is a bonus mom, someone there to kiss him goodnight, help him with his homework, and love him unconditionally.
During the pandemic, my wife volunteered to take the lead in helping my son with virtual school so I could focus on work. She created a schedule for him, made him lunch, and ensured he kept up with assignments. When the playgrounds opened, she would take him to play, armed with a backpack full of whatever was needed.
I have gone on several overnight trips, leaving the two of them alone together. My son doesn't even call or text me when I'm gone because he's having so much fun hanging out with my wife. I never have to worry about him; I know my wife will make sure he takes a bath and goes to bed on time.
There are days when I will ask her to tag in and do the bedtime routine because I'm working or want a break, and she does it without question. My son knows that if he needs something, he doesn't have to come to me all the time.
Seeing my wife willingly step into a parental role with my son has strengthened our relationship. I knew I loved her almost immediately after we met, but seeing how my son responded to her made me more secure in my decision.
Sometimes, she still refers to him as mine, and I always remind her that she's his mom, too. We do everything as a team: school meetings, performances, birthday parties. Everyone knows us as his two moms, and there's no one else I could imagine doing this with.
My son now sees my wife as the missing piece to our family puzzle. He proudly claims her as his other mom.
"You're my mom too," my son will say when my wife calls herself his stepmom. He made that decision. My wife never wanted to force a close relationship on him, but he pushed for it.
Media has warped the perception of stepmoms
Popular media depictions of stepmoms are largely negative. The common trope is that they're evil.
For example, you have characters like Meredith Blake in the Lindsay Lohan version of "The Parent Trap," the Baroness von Schraeder in "The Sound of Music," and, of course, the prototype: Cinderella's Evil Stepmother.
These women are always seen as temptresses who come in and seduce the father into marrying them before revealing they intend to get rid of his daughter so that she will be the only woman in his life.
Maybe there are stepmoms out there who fit this description, but by and large, stepmoms are there to be whoever their step kids want them to be.
I know that's exactly the role my wife plays, and my son and I are all the more lucky for it.
FAQs
The symptoms include preoccupation with position in the family, feelings of anxiety, rejection, ineffectiveness, guilt, hostility, and exhaustion; loss of self-esteem; and overcompensation.
Can a stepmother replace a mother? ›
Whether the re-partnering is a result of divorce, a breakup, or death, you can never replace the child's other parent and should not attempt to.
When a stepmother is overstepping her boundaries? ›
The Impact of Stepparents Overstepping Boundaries
When their boundaries are violated, children tend to feel isolated, controlled, and in turn, angry. They might become more oppositional and display defiant or aggressive behavior, or they might internalize the pain and become depressed or closed off5.
What is a toxic step parent behavior? ›
The 5 Worst Things A Step-Parent Can Do
- Always telling their spouse how they need to raise their own children. ...
- Discouraging communication with a co-parent and blocking the co-parent dynamic. ...
- Treating step-children as less important or with less value in the home.
"I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc. Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out.
What is the responsibility of a stepmother? ›
Your role as the stepparent is to do your best to have a respectful relationship with the ex. The ability to coordinate visitations, holidays, school events and sports goes a long way to your role as trying to make your blended family as healthy as possible.
Is a stepmother considered immediate family? ›
For purposes of subdivision (d) of Labor Code Section 2066, "immediate family member" means spouse, domestic partner, cohabitant, child, stepchild, grandchild, parent, stepparent, mother-in-law, father-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, grandparent, great grandparent, brother, sister, half-brother, half-sister, ...
Should a stepmom be called mom? ›
The Court ruled that while children of divorce may have little control over the decisions made on his/her behalf, they should have the right to call their stepparent “mom” or “dad” if the stepparent is willing to be called that.
How to disengage as a stepmom? ›
Disengaging requires you to relinquish your role as primary parent so that you can build a relationship with you stepchildren before trying to parent them. For this to happen, your spouse must take on the role of primary parent.
Can I sue my stepmother for emotional distress? ›
Yes, if a family member's actions have caused you emotional distress in a manner that has significantly impacted your life, you may be able to sue them for the emotional distress you are suffering or have suffered.
Take the power out of her rudeness by choosing to treat it as her problem, not your problem. Try to remember that you have a choice in how you react. Don't let your stepmom's mood disrupt your day. The best way to diffuse difficult behavior is to stay friendly and helpful, rather than getting angry.
What every stepmother should be doing to? ›
Befriend your stepchildren.
Treat your stepchildren the way you would treat someone whom you are trying to befriend: i.e., be the best version of yourself. Understand that your stepchildren are as afraid of the evil stepmother trope as you are of becoming one.
What are the rights of a stepmother? ›
Jonathan Breeden of the Breeden Law Office explains, "As a stepparent, you won't have the legal jurisdiction to make decisions for your stepchild." This means you cannot legally give consent for your stepchild's medical care, sign their school forms (e.g., permission slips) or attend school functions without parental ...
What are the wife responsibilities to the family? ›
As a wife, she is expected to serve her husband, preparing food, clothing and other personal needs. As a mother, she has to take care of the children and their needs, including education. As a worker, she has to be professional, disciplined and a good employee.
What is the stepmother effect? ›
In evolutionary psychology, the Cinderella effect describes the phenomenon of a higher incidence of child abuse and mistreatment by stepparents than biological parents. It takes its name from the fairy tale character Cinderella, a girl who is mistreated by her stepmother and stepsisters.
What is the Wicked stepmother syndrome? ›
The symptoms include: preoccupation with position in the family, feelings of anxiety, rejection, ineffectiveness, guilt, hostility and exhaustion, loss of self-esteem and overcompensation.
What psychological disorder did Cinderella have? ›
Cinderella demonstrates dysphoria that is precipitated by the untimely death of her father [00:02:25] and perpetuated by the abject emotional abuse of her step-family.
What is the diagnosis in stepmom? ›
After a long string of arguments and hurt feelings involving Isabel, Jackie and Anna, Luke proposes to Isabel, making her Anna and Ben's soon-to-be official stepmom. This causes even more friction. However, Jackie is diagnosed with lymphoma, which is discovered to be terminal.
